


Too shy to say, but I hope you stay

by shimi_shimi_koko_bop



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'll add the tags as I go, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kageyama whump, M/M, Self-Harm, hit me with the angst train, then feed me fluff, there will be fluff I promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25473235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimi_shimi_koko_bop/pseuds/shimi_shimi_koko_bop
Summary: Kageyama uses self-harm as a coping mechanism whenever his emotions get the better of him. He wants to keep this habit of cutting himself secret but it doesn't work out that way.This will be a fic about Hinata and the Karasuno team helping Kageyama overcome this habit, and learn how to deal with his emotions.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 11
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is more like a prologue than a first chapter, setting the stage for the story.  
> TW: Description of self-harm.  
> Title is from the song 'come out and play' by Billie Eilish

_Kageyama jumped high and hit the the ball, setting it, anticipating the sound of a hand spiking the ball and sending it across the net. Instead he heard the flat sound of the ball hitting the floor of the gym. He turned around to see, his team had left him all alone on the court, which suddenly seemed too large and cold._

_"You're an ignorant egoistic king. We have had enough of you"_

The memory was fresh in Kageyama's mind, the words still echoed , making him feel so, so alone.

Kageyama had fought with Hinata. For some reason, Hinata had been moving either too fast or too slow and he hadn't been able to spike a single toss that Kageyama had sent his way. Ofcourse it had annoyed Kageyama to no end and he had lashed out at him, shouting that if he wasn't going to concentrate he shouldn't play at all. It had turned into a full-on fight with Hinata declaring that he didn't want to play with the 'King of the Court' anymore.

Kageyama felt guilty. Once again, he'd let himself become egoistic. It was his fault, ofcourse it was. Why would anyone want to play with such a selfish person?

 _Maybe I should just quit volleyball._ That would be better than dragging the whole team down. _Yeah, I should just give up_. He doesn’t deserve to play in such a talented team. He’ll only pull them down with his selfishness eventually. And then they would reject him like he always deserved.

Waves of anguish crashed over him and he hot tears spilled down his face.

The only thing that kept him sane was volleyball. It was the only time he felt free. The only time he felt exhilarated. Alive.

Ever since he had joined Karasuno, his urges to self harm had reduced. He had found a good team to play with, and a strange, orange-haired spiker who was(usually) able to spike his sets like no one ever had before. He wouldn't say he had made friends, but at least they hadn't decided to kick him out. _Yet_ , his mind didn't fail to remind him.

Kageyama wanted to stop. He wanted to stop feeling. He jumped up and started to rummage in his drawer, frantically searching for something. He found the object where he had carefully stored it at the back of the drawer, peeled off the cover to reveal the shiny, sharp blade of a razor.

He gripped it with his right hand and angrily cut into the inside of his left forearm, watched the beads of blood forming.

_More. I need more._

He pressed the blade into his skin again, alongside the previous cut. He pressed it deeper into his flesh and dragged it across his skin. It was deeper than the first one, but not enough to damage any arteries. He did it again. And again.

After a few seconds, the excruciating pain shot through his arm, and the blood had started flowing freely. Kageyama scrunched his eyes closed from the pain and grabbed the nearest cloth he could find and pressed it to his fresh wounds as he lay down. He didn't want bloodstains on his bed.

It was strange how the pain made him feel lighter. He focused on the pain, letting it ground him from his turmoil, chasing away all his unwanted emotions. He lay on his bed waiting for the calm feeling he knew would come within a few minutes after cutting. Ironically, pain was more like medicine to him.

He curled up, as he held the cloth to his bleeding arm. Eventually, his tears stopped and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

***

The next morning Kageyama awoke feeling disgusted and ashamed, it always happened the morning after cutting. He hated himself for having these urges, for giving in to them. He hated himself for being such a weak fucking sissy, for needing to cut himself every time he felt low. He wanted to stop doing it, but always lost his resolve every time he got an urge.

He felt mentally exhausted and was in no way ready to confront Hinata after the fight they had the previous day, so he decided to skip morning practice. He dragged himself out of bed and took is time showering, washing away the dry bloodstains on his arm, cleaning it and tied a bandage around it as well as he could with one arm. He made sure to wear his jacket on his uniform so that the proof of his disgrace was well hidden.

As he was about to walk into the school building, he heard an all too familiar voice shouting his name from behind him.

“Kageyama, wait!”, shouted Hinata as he ran up to him.

 _Shit. It just had to be the orange haired runt, didn’t it?_ The one person he really didn’t want to see. Kageyama cursed his luck.

“Why are you shouting, you idiot?”

“Why didn’t you come to practice?”, asked Hinata, as they walked together.

“Didn’t coach give us the day off today?”

“Yeah, but since when has that stopped us from practicing?”

“Besides you said you didn’t want to play with me anymore. So why do you care anyway?”. Kageyama couldn’t help it if his voice was laced with a tinge of hurt as he said those words.

“Kageyama..”, said Hinata as he stopped walking, turning to look at him with a sad expression in those big brown eyes of his. “I didn’t mean any of the things I said yesterday. I’m so sorry. I was just frustrated after we lost and said mean things to you. I felt really bad last night after you left. I tried calling you many times but your phone was switched off.”

Kageyama didn’t know how to respond. “oh..I forgot to charge my phone when its battery died”

“Please forgive me Kageyama”, said Hinata with such a pleading expression his face, his earnest eyes, which Kageyama couldn’t say no to even if he wanted to.

Kageyama had learnt a lesson at a very young age. People leave. They've been leaving all his life. It hurt. It made him mad. There is no point in getting attached to anyone if it's only going to hurt when they leave, right? So he keeps people at an arm's length, his rude demeanor an effective shield against people who tried to come too close. Besides, he doesn't mind being alone. There's less drama and more peace; it's better that way. He never made an effort with people. And then there was this dumbass, with his stupid orange hair and stupid big brown eyes, managed to claw his way into people's hearts so easily and made a home there, who was currently staring up at him with those same stupid, endearing eyes and apologizing because he still wanted to play with him. Kageyama

Kageyama didn't understand Hinata. How could he be so simple-hearted and kind to everyone? People would walk all over him. More so, Kageyama had been nothing but rude to him ever since they knew each other, and was the last person who deserved this.

“It’s fine, dumbass. No need to apologize.”, he said as he looked away quickly, not wanting to be caught staring.

Hinata’s entire face lit up with joy at that and he started skipping about like he usually does. “I want to spike your tosses and keep playing volleyball with you forever! But first I’m going defeat you ofcourse!”

“Keep dreaming, idiot.”, said Kageyama as he felt a blush creeping on to his face at the 'forever' part. He mentally slapped himself to get rid of the mushy thoughts as they walked to class, Hinata excitedly chattered on about a volleyball match he had seen on television, complete with appropriate sound effects. Kageyama would never admit it, but the energetic ball of sunshine had very slowly started to thaw his ice-cold heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, guys. I got distracted writing a DaiSuga one-shot which I will post soon.  
> Enjoy the chapter:)

The rest of the school day passed by without much incident. As soon as the final class was done, Kageyama ran to the club locker room, so that he could be the first one and have the privacy to change into his practice clothes without having anyone notice his injuries. He had made sure to select a full-sleeved shirt for practice. Soon the rest of the team showed up, and practice began as usual.

Practice proved to be harder than he thought for Kageyama. His arm hurt every time he strained it to hit the ball, causing him to wince which affected the accuracy of his game, but he tried to ignore the pain as best as he could and focused on playing. However, Hinata always had an eye on the pretty, black-haired setter, considering his growing crush, and had noticed that something was not very right.

After an hour of playing, Coach announced a quick water break. Kageyama was relieved he could finally give his screaming arm some rest. His right hand unconsciously rubbed the area that was hurting.

Suddenly Hinata appeared in front of him and grabbed his injured arm.

"What's this, Kageyama?"

Kageyama looked down to see that bloodstains had formed on the grey sleeve of his shirt.

_Shit. Why the hell didn't I wear a black shirt today?_ He cursed himself.

He hadn't even realized when his cuts had started bleeding out due to the exertion.

Before he could react, Hinata had pulled up his sleeve to reveal a bloodied bandage on his arm, and was looking up at him with worried, expectant eyes. In fact, the entire team was looking at him worriedly, including the managers and Coach.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

Kageyama fidgeted and avoided everyone's eyes.

"I.. uh.. slipped and fell down the stairs at home." He had said the first excuse that had come to mind and hoped they bought it. He looked at their faces which looked far from convinced. They all had noticed his healed scars at some point, but hadn't mentioned it knowing it would make him uncomfortable, and they hadn't noticed any fresh wounds till then so they tried to ignore it. But now the usually loud and rambunctious group of boys didn't know what to say or how to help.

"Are you sure that's what happened?", asked Tsukishima, earning a glare from Suga and Daichi. Kageyama wished the ground would open up and swallow him up.

"You shouldn't be practicing when you're injured, kid", said Coach who was observing it all.

"It's not a big deal, Coach. It doesn't hurt.", said Kageyama, thankful he didn't have to answer Tsukishima's question.

"Doesn't hurt, my ass!", shouted Hinata, having suddenly regained his voice, "You're bleeding through your damn clothes!"

Suga gently placed a hand on Hinata's shoulder. He knew shouting at Kageyama isn't going to help. They needed to handle the situation in a calm manner.

Daichi looked at Coach, who announced that they'd practiced enough so they should take the rest of the day off.

The team mumbled affirmations with none of their usual energy and walked off towards the locker room, thoughts of Kageyama weighing on their minds.

Kageyama too rushed to the locker room, eager to get away fast, and was the first one to leave the school. He walked fast in long strides, wanting to put as much distance as possible between himself and his teammates. His mind racing, a mile a minute.

_Now they all know how weak and pathetic you are. The egoistic king who cuts himself.They're all probably laughing at you behind your back right now._

All he wanted right now was to go home and find his blade once more, carve it into his skin till he forgot about the day's events.

But his plan to avoid any more interactions was crushed as he heard the unmistakable sound of Hinata running towards him. Kageyama sighed.

''Hey bakageyama! Why didn't you wait for me?"

"I have homework to do. I don't have time to wait for your slow poke ass"

"PSshh. As if you ever do your homework, stupid"

"Hey who're you calling stupid, dumbass?"

They bickered for a while which was normal for them, and then fell into a companionable silence as they walked. Kageyama was relieved that he hadn't brought up the topic of his injury, and almost let himself believe that Hinata and the team had bought into his explanation and had probably already forgotten about it. Almost, because Hinata then said something that shattered that hope.

"Why did you cut yourself, Kageyama?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me"

"I told you I fell down the stairs! Stop making assumptions"

"You're clearly lying"

Suddenly Kageyama turned to face him, and roughly grabbed Hinata's collar, his face twisted in an angry scowl, mere inches away from Hinata's. "Listen Hinata. You don't know a fucking thing, so stop running your mouth saying whatever the hell you feel like. I would highly appreciate it if you mind your own business."

Hinata was actually scared because of Kageyama's dark aura and cowered. Satisfied, Kageyama turned away and started walking in long strides. He was relieved he wouldn't have to endure much of Hinata's annoying pestering as they had almost reached the point they had to part ways. But Hinata wasn't one to give up. He snapped out of it and ran towards Kageyama and wrapped both his arms around his middle. Kageyama stiffened.

"What do you think you're doing, dumbass?"

"I'm not letting you go unless you talk to me"

"Are you actually stupid? Or just deaf?"

Hinata didn't answer, just tightened his hold.

Kageyama turned around and harshly pushed Hinata away by his shoulders.

"Hinata. I'm only going to say this once. I don't like to share personal things with people, least of all you. In fact, I fucking hate people who stick their nose where it doesn't belong. So do me a favour, and stay the fuck away from me. Got it?"

Tears sprang up in Hinata's eyes. Kagayema turned around and stomped off before he let his own tears fall.

_Fuck. You hurt Hinata. You made him cry. Hinata, a literal ball of sunshine, and you fucking made him cry. You deserve nothing but pain._

Now he really couldn't wait to get his hands on a blade.

***

Hinata stood there for a few minutes, head lowered as his tears fell onto the road.

He had never expected Kageyama to like him back, but he had thought they were friends at least. It hurt to be told so bluntly how little he meant to him.

Hinata wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his Karasuno jacket as he silently trudged home. He made sure there were no tearstains visible, wearing a fake smile as he greeted his mom and little sister, Natsu. He then washed up and ate his dinner, then sat down to do his homework, but he couldn't focus as his thoughts trailed towards Kageyama.

After a while, he gave up, and settled into bed. He heard his phone vibrating with messages, so he picked it up to see Suga had created a group chat called 'Kageyama Support Squad' with everyone on the team except Kageyama.

Suga: I think we all know Kageyama is hurting himself..

Ennoshita: Yes..but what can we do?If any of us tries to talk to him he'll just shut himself off.

Suga: Hinata would be the best bet out of any of us to have a chance to get through to him

Yamaguchi: Are you sure? They'll probably just end up fighting

Daichi: Yeah Suga is right. Those two might fight all the time but they're closer than they seem.

Hinata: Sorry to disappoint, guys. I already tried talking to him while walking home but it's no use.

Noya: What happened?

Hinata: He was really rude and pushed me away. He literally said to 'stay the fuck away' from him (╥_╥)

Tanaka: Shit

Suga: Don't take it to heart Hinata. You know he doesn't know how to express his feelings.

Suga: Do you know anything about his parents? Any siblings close to him?

Daichi: Anybody we could talk to?

Noya: Now that I think about it, he never talks about his family「(°ヘ°)

Hinata: His dad left them a few years ago. He lives with his mom who is almost never home.

Hinata: He was always alone at home everytime I've visited. I think he has an older sister but she doesn't live with them.

Suga: Oh dear. That means he's practically living alone

Noya: I wish we could be there with him (╥_╥)

Asahi: Me too (ノ﹏ヽ)

Daichi: Don't worry guys, we'll figure it out. We'll help him.

Tanaka: Yes! He isn't alone as long as we're here

Daichi: That's right. I'll talk to Coach. Maybe he'll know what to do.

Suga: Yes, you do that. In the mean time, let's all keep an eye on Kageyama, yeah?

Noya: Ofcourse.

Hinata typed out an affirmation, wished goodnight and logged off.

He lay on the bed, unable to sleep, Kageyama's harsh words replaying in his mind. Tears sprang into his eyes once again. He let himself wallow in self-pity _. Why did he have to fall for a guy who couldn't care less about him?_

But he soon realised, he was being selfish. He needed to put his feelings for Kageyama aside.

_Pull yourself together, Hinata. This isn't about you, it's about Kageyama._

Kageyama needed help and he would help him, whether Kageyama liked it or not, goddammit.

Hinata finally fell asleep with a new resolve in his mind, a determination outweighing the hurting in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too much angst, I know, I know. But I promise some fluff in the next chapter!  
> Leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it, they make my day!  
> Thank you for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not mean to romanticize or encourage self-harm in any way. If you feel urges to self-harm, please get help or try an alternative such as going for a run. Trust me it helps. Self-harm might give temporary relief but it's not good for your mental or physical health.  
> Stay safe and take care:)


End file.
